How the Dawnguard plot should have ended

I’m not actually done playing the Dawnguard plot in Skyrim yet, but I did read ahead a bit on the wiki and I know what’s coming, in regards to certain important characters I’m about to meet and the origins of the prophecy that drives the whole plot to begin with.

And I have some opinions on how this should have impacted the end of this plot. Here, have a modified version of what I posted to my Discord earlier today! Credit to Dara for helping me think of this. <3

So yeah, reading ahead some, I discovered that Vyrthur, the brother of surviving Snow Elf Gelebor (i.e., the only other surviving actual Snow Elf in the game) was not only a vampire, he was also the originator of the prophecy that set off Harkon on his mad quest to blot out the sun.

And I feel like I should have had the option to do more about that than just kill Vyrthur and get Auriel’s Bow! I should think Harkon, in particular, would maybe want to know that the prophecy he’d been pursuing was complete and utter bullshit.

I said as much to Dara, who chortled over the whole idea, and between the two of us we came up with the likely way this would have played out. As I posted to Discord:

Harkon: I will blot out the sun as per the prophecy! Vampires will rule over Tam—

Alarrah (dragging in Vyrthur kicking and screaming): Hold up there, Sparky. Your daughter and I have news for you.

Serana: Hi dad!

Harkon: HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME IN MY HOUR OF TRIUMPH oh hi there daughter. C’mere, let me use your blood to fulfill the prophecy!

Serana: Hard pass, dad. Hear Alarrah out.

Alarrah (resting hand meaningfully on Dawnbreaker): Yeah, you really want to hear me out on this one. Because that prophecy? It’s complete bullshit.

Harkon: WHAT LIES ARE YOU BRINGING INTO MY COURT?

Alarrah (tugging on Vyrthur with her other hand): Swear to all the Divines. You can hear it straight from the source. (to Vyrthur) Tell him.

Vyrthur: (screams)

Alarrah (tugging on Vyrthur’s ears): It’s complete bullshit because why?

Vyrthur: Ow! Ow! OKAY FINE because I made it up!

Harkon (rising from his throne in full on Vampire Lord mode): You WHAT.

Vyrthur: I made it up! It’s bullshit! No Divine or Daedra had the slightest thing to do with it!

Harkon: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I SPENT THE LAST FOUR THOUSAND YEARS ON COMPLETE BULLSHIT?

Serana: You sure did. So can you knock it the fuck off already? Unless you want the entire continent to hunt us down and burn us to ashes?

Harkon: Do not talk that way to your father!

Alarrah: Dawnbreaker and I would like to point out that she can talk to you however she damn well pleases, unless you’d like your head to explode. Do you want your head to explode?

Harkon: I… no. But goddammit, I wanted to kill some mortals.

Alarrah (tugging on Vyrthur): Howsabout you kill this guy instead? He’s actually a vampire, and he’s also a Snow Elf, so that means you can take a lot longer to kill him if you want. It’d take a lot longer than killing any mortal, in fact. We leave you this guy, and in exchange, you leave off trying to blot out the sun. Deal?

Vyrthur: (screams)

Harkon: I accept your terms. Leave me the Snow Elf.

Vyrthur: Noooooooo you can’t do this!

Alarrah: The hell I can’t, asshole. I didn’t go all the way to friggin’ Sovngarde to destroy Alduin and save the world only to have you fuck it up by convincing a Vampire Lord to blot out the sun. I like the sun. I don’t want it blotted out.

Serana: Wait, when did you save the world from Alduin? You went to Sovngarde?!

Alarrah: Did I not mention I’m the Dragonborn? This Dawnguard thing is just a side hobby.

Harkon (deciding courtesy is the better part of valor): You… must not have felt it necessary to inform us before now. My court however shall make a note of this in the future and treat this with all the respect it deserves. Please go in peace at your leisure. (hissing to his retainers) Get. Out. Of. Her. Way.

Vampire Retainers: (scurry to clear a path for the Dragonborn and her shiny undead-exploding sword)

Serana (looking impressed): Done and done. (To Alarrah) Hey, I wanna go out for mead and hear all about this Alduin thing. You wanna go out for mead?

Alarrah: Hon, you can’t drink mead. You’re a vampire.

Serana: Oh yeah. Dammit. I should do something about that. I’m super tired of all of Skyrim wanting to make me explode.

Harkon: (starts to protest, then immediately shuts up and puts on his best diplomatic smile as soon as Alarrah looks at him)

Alarrah: Well, I do know a wizard in Morthal who could maybe help you out.

Serana (perking up): Then we can go out for mead?

Alarrah: We can totally go out for mead. I’ll take you to the Winking Skeever in Solitude. C’mon! (The two saunter out.)

Harkon: (starts grinning, fang-ily, as soon as Alarrah is out of the throne room)

Vampire Retainers: (also start grinning fang-ily)

Vyrthur: (screams and dies messily over the next three hundred years)