Log Date: 1/5, 1/6/97
Log Cast:
	Kesya, Tance
Log Intro:
	At the request of meditech Quinn Malloret, Kesya has gone to see him
in his quarters, to discuss the shepherding trip she'd taken with Tance
Vokrim -- and rather to her surprise, the medic seemed to grasp rather
quickly how the older Singer had become dear to her. Needing on some level
to talk out her worries about whether a man in his mental condition --
lacking a memory that holds recollections more than a few days at a time
-- can truly care for someone, Kesya found herself opening up to Quinn's
sympathetic ear. With his advice, she resolved to follow her relationship
with Tance where it leads, but to take it slowly -- for she felt that as
fragile as his grasp was on the new state of his life, Tance was hardly
ready for a relationship any deeper than friendship.
	In the meantime, Tance has been making discoveries of his own,
with tentative exploration of the newly restored terminal Kesya's brought
to his suite....

----------
You hear a soft chime and an electronic voice announces that Kesya is in Ocher 
  Quadrant and is knocking on Tance's Suite.

To Ocher Quadrant, Tance's voice is relayed out through the computer system, 
  distracted, but steady. "Come..."

Kesya steps in from the hall.
Kesya has arrived.

If you remain motionless, you can just detect some crystal resonance in your 
  bones.
Non-singers around you see: A faint chill seems to pass over you as Tance 
  looks at you, but he doesn't seem to react to it.

Tance is not immediately in view; however, from the direction of the room that 
  has been transformed into a den by dint of the placement of your furniture, 
  you can hear slow, hesitant typing, and Tance's voice over it: "Jade...? Is 
  that you, Jade...?"

Kesya walks in, pausing to look around the room. "Tance?" She treads forward, 
  looking for the green-adapted singer. She grins as she hears his voice, and 
  steps into the den, leaning against the doorframe. "Ya, it's me. What're you 
  up to?"

Tance is sitting before the terminal, and when you come in, he looks up at 
  you, brow furrowed baffledly. "I, um, was just looking at my file again..."

Kesya nods, moving to stand behind your chair so she can peer over your 
  shoulder. "Oh? Did you find anything interesting?"
Kesya's gaze softens as she speaks, and Quinn's words repeat in her mind. _Be 
  a friend..._ She pats your shoulder, peering at the screen to see what 
  you're looking at.

Tance's file, with its various holos and white letters of text, is there to be 
  seen. "Just... trying to get to know myself," Tance murmurs, then he smiles 
  shyly up at you. "But a lot of it just seems like... I dunno. Doesn't seem 
  like it's.... me."

Kesya pulls up a chair, sitting beside you. "Because it's new to you, or 
  because you're different now than you apparently were then?" Her blue gaze 
  fixes on you, hair tied back and out of her face.

Tance glances uneasily at the section of the file currently up on the screen, 
  which appears to be a summation of his medical state over the past several 
  decades. Looking at it, he frowns. "Bit of both," he murmurs.

Kesya frowns thoughtfully. "Well," she says, "Even while I've known you, 
  you've cycled through a lot of different moods." She laughs suddenly, "When 
  I /first/ met you, you were a big ol' crab." She winks, leaning to hug your 
  shoulder. "But then, that's when you didn't really trust anyone. Then in the 
  infirmary, you were really friendly and nice." She pauses, "Much like you 
  are now, I guess."

Tance looks up at you and smiles lopsidedly, looking embarrassed and a little 
  plaintive. "I... don't know why I was like that before," he admits.

Kesya's blue eyes scan the screen for a moment. "I do," she offers candidly.
Kesya turns to you, head cocked to one side, delicate features illuminated by 
  the screen. "You didn't have anyone to trust... you could only trust your 
  Crystal, and you had a bad streak with that for a while. So it's only 
  natural." She grins, squeezing your hand. "But then, a few people started 
  paying attention to you, and you figured out that some of us are kinda nice, 
  and... things got better."

Tance watches you as you speak, and lowers his eyes a little as you speak of 
  him being alone. When you finish, he murmurs, "I... looked up Meguey again, 
  too..."

Kesya's breath catches, her slim form unmoving as she looks at you. But then 
  she asks softly, "And?"

Tance's fingers tighten a little, on your own, and his brown gaze is distant, 
  his voice roughened, as he replies slowly, "I... remember that... I 
  couldn't... _think_, after she was gone..."

When you stop to relax you can feel a pleasant humming in your body.
Non-singers around you see: You notice that Tance becomes slightly distracted 
  at times.

Kesya doesn't move, simply closing her fingers around yours in support as you 
  talk. She listens quietly, nodding.

Tance, looking up at you earnestly, goes on, "I... then I read on, and..." He 
  flicks a look at the screen, and taps it once with a fingertip, on a phrase 
  including the words 'almost constantly irrational', 'violent', 
  'confrontational'. "It says... I was like that."

Kesya's eyes drop to the screen as she avoids your gaze for a moment. "Well... 
  that's what I've been told..." She looks up, blue eyes searching out yours. 
  "But you never acted like that with me, so I had a hard time at first 
  figuring out what they were talking about. You were just so upset, Tance... 
  anyone would react like you did."

"Would you?" he asks in reply, earnestly. Then, as if sensing that might well 
  be far too personal a question, he suddenly catches himself, blushes, and 
  ducks his gaze, poking idly at a key on the keyboard and mumbling an apology.

Kesya shakes her head as you pull away, grabbing for the hand that prods at 
  the keyboard. "Tance, I don't know... I've never /had/ anything that horrible 
  happen before." She pauses, her hands wrapped around yours, and for all 
  appearances, she's watching your fingers. "I've... never let anyone get that 
  close to me before. As close as you were to Meguey, I mean." Her gaze lifts, 
  as she checks your expression.

When his fingers are retaken, Tance looks timidly back up at you, perhaps a 
  bit assured. But his brow has gotten a bit furrowed again, as well; 
  disappointment? Nevertheless, he nods, and offers, "I, um... I think about 
  her, and it... hurts, but... it's.... I'm confused. It... it doesn't feel 
  anymore like it ought to make me... like that." And he nods at the screen.

Kesya's gaze doesn't leave yours as she says, "It'll probably always hurt, a 
  little... but you don't seem like you would be like that anymore." She nods 
  to the screen, and shrugs. "You seem more confident, and happy... and alive."

A smile flickers around his mouth. "I feel like that," he agrees, steadily.

Kesya's gaze warms at that smile, and she casts you a glance that might make 
  you think she's more happy about that than she'd be willing to admit. "I 
  think... Meguey would be happy about it too, Tance. She loved you; she'd 
  want to see you happy."

Tance's smile widens, at that. "Do you think so?"

Kesya's choked laugh gives you the answer, even as she nods. "Of course! As 
  much as you'd want to see her happy, wherever she is now." She smiles warmly 
  at you, squeezing your hands. "You want through a really tough time in your 
  life.. and it was long, and it was hard. But things are better now, and 
  /you're/ a different person now."

When you stop to relax you can feel a pleasant humming in your body.
Non-singers around you see: A tingle makes the hairs on the back of your hand 
  rise up as Tance passes you.

"I just... I remember her, I mean, _here_...." He lifts his hand towards his 
  chest, for a moment, before going on, ".... but the rest is kind of... 
  fuzzed. File isn't helping _too_ much... mine ain't, either, really..."

Kesya asks simply, "What does it feel like, then?"

Tance clings to your hand again, once more eying the screen. "Doesn't feel 
  like..." He frowns, looking for words. "... like it helps me remember what 
  _I_ did... that make sense?" Up comes his gaze to you, again. "This is more 
  like... what everybody else remembers I did."

Kesya bites her lip, her grasp firm around your fingers. "Does it really 
  matter what everyone else thinks?" Her lips press together, brows furrowed.

Tance inhales, thinking hard. "Not that. It's... " Regarding you levelly 
  again, he suddenly seems to find the words he's looking for. "They aren't 
  _my_ words. Doesn't tell me how _I_ saw things, then."

Kesya nods, the motion minute. "No... just how the medics and sled personnel 
  saw it."
Kesya offers, "But... looking back, I can imagine how you saw things."

"Yes!" Suddenly, Tance sounds surer, perhaps pleased that you've understood 
  what he was trying to say. "That's it, it's how _they_ saw me, and, and, 
  that doesn't really make me _remember_, see?" As you continue, he quirks his 
  head a little, attentively.

Kesya chuckles at your outburst, and she closes her eyes as she begins to 
  talk, thinking of herself as the Singer you once were. "Well... I'll pretend 
  I'm you, and just speak how I would feel.. or how I imagine you felt. Okay?" 
  One eye opens a bit to check, and then closes. "I live my life moment to 
  moment, because nothing remains in my memory long enough for me to link 
  images of people or events together. My computer is broken, so I don't have 
  anything to use to that extent either, nor would I want to. Life is 
  horrible, and everyone hates me, so why would I want to remember that? 
  Better to just find more crystal." She cracks her eye open before 
  continuing, glancing at you.

Tance nods, eyebrows drawing together musingly. "Got that right," he mutters.

Kesya shuts her eyes again quickly, and continues speaking. "People are rude 
  to me, they ignore me, they don't pay attention to me, so I have no reason 
  to be nice to them. My luck isn't all that good lately in the Ranges... I'm 
  getting further into debt, and I can't find my way out. But those new 
  Singers.. they're getting good crystal. So I don't like them. That's crystal 
  /I/ could be finding, if they weren't getting in the way." She squeezes your 
  hand as you agree with her, her face twisting as though hurting for how you 
  must have felt at the time. "The only people nice to me are those that want 
  something, and the only thing I have is my crystal, and even that is 
  escaping me. So... why wouldn't I act the way I want towards everyone... I 
  act the way I feel, and I feel horribly alone, and lost, and... scared." She 
  opens her eyes, blinking repeatedly before her gaze settles on you again.
Kesya finishes softly, "That... is how I imagine you were living. And... if 
  it's even half close, it's no wonder you acted that way."

Tance swallows once, at the word 'scared', and stares up at you, blinking, for 
  a few moments. Finally, he manages, "How... how come you know that?"

Kesya shrugs, gaze dropping again to your hands. "I watched you a bit, when we 
  first met. I wanted to help, 'cause I could sort of imagine what you must 
  have been going through."

Tance's expression softens. "You watched me?"

If you listen hard, you can hear crystal resonance rushing dimly between your 
  ears.
Non-singers around you see: A faint chill seems to pass over you as Tance 
  looks at you, but he doesn't seem to react to it.

Kesya nods, seeming rather interested in your hands. That is, she won't raise 
  her gaze from them. "Sure. I couldn't very well help, if I didn't get to 
  know you." She finally does grin, and lift her blue eyes to yours. "And it 
  wasn't like /you/ were going out of your way." A fond smile crosses her 
  lips, and she squeezes your hands.

Tance snorts a bit, but not angrily, and again gives you a quirky half-smile. 
  "Thank you." Then he laughs sheepishly. "I keep forgetting whether I've told 
  you that."

Kesya leans forward to wrap her arms around you in a hug. "It doesn't matter," 
  she murmurs in your ear, "I'll just assume you have."

Tance's own arms come up to embrace you -- now that he's got the cast off his 
  left one, his hug is surer, too, as his voice has been tonight. "Can I keep 
  telling you anyway?" he murmurs back.

Kesya giggles softly, and you can feel her hair pull beneath your hand as she 
  nods. "I won't complain." She squeezes you tight for a long moment, then 
  withdraws, eyes bright. "But you know... you won't have this problem again. 
  Now that your comuter's fixed, you can make records of whatever comes to 
  mind."

Tance grins at you broadly, then the expression shrinks back down a bit. 
  "Records," he murmurs. "Making records..."

Kesya watches you carefully, mouth half-quirked in a smile. "Have one in mind 
  already?"

He blinks, first at the screen, then at you. "I... wonder if I made records... 
  _before_."

Kesya's own gaze goes to the screen. It's hard to tell... but she could even 
  be dreading the thought. "It's possible," she says carefully. "Want to 
  check?"

You say "I don't know how...."

"I can find them for you, if they're there." She tilts the screen towards her,
  using various touch-screen commands and keyboard commands as she searches for
  the files.

The computer willingly leads you to where one might access a Singer's personal 
  files; however, when you try to access them, it pleasantly informs you, 
  "Access code required for these files. Please enter the access code to pass 
  this Privacy lock."

Kesya grumbles to herself, glancing at you... and then tries the name 'Meguey'.

Tance peers at your actions, and as the computer chirps in denial of access, 
  he frowns. "I locked 'em," he says, but it's more in surprise than 
  confirmation.

Kesya tries a few more... 'meggie', and 'green', and your date of birth, which 
  was so proudly displayed on the screen just a moment ago.

Nothing. Implacably, the computer refuses to yield access to the files it has 
  stored under Tance's name.

Kesya frowns. "This is stupid. Maybe it's a voice code thing. They can't all 
  have this, 'cause most Singers would never remember their password!"

Tance's frown deepens. "I don't," he affirms, ruefully.

Kesya taps her fingernails on the desktop, thinking. "Well I /know/ Maxwell 
  can bypass these." She pauses, looking at you, "But I'll try one more 
  thing." Turning to the terminal she requests, "Computer, request voiceprint 
  authorisation for the files under the name Tance Vokrim."

If you remain motionless, you can just detect some crystal resonance in your 
  bones.
Non-singers around you see: You feel a tingle and the hairs on the back of 
  your hand rise up as Tance moves past you.

"Voiceprint authorization request denied. Voiceprint does not match print 
  registered for CS Tance Vokrim," replies the computer mildly.

Tance soundlessly ohs, then touches your shoulder, hesitantly. "Maybe I..."

Kesya swears at the terminal. "Of course it doesn't, I'm not him!" She turns 
  to you, an amused smile on her face. "Would you try...?"

Looking a trifle nervous, Tance nods, then speaks up, "Um... computer. This 
  is... CS Tance Vokrim. Let me have access to my files."

"Is prior status of files to be considered changed?" the computer inquires.

Tance blinks. "Um.... what authorization?"

Kesya frowns quizzically. "What's the prior status?"

The computer responds blandly, "Last registered status for access by CS Tance 
  Vokrim to files registered to same was" -- and suddenly, a recording of what 
  sounds a lot like Tance's voice continues, "I'll touch those files again 
  when all nine hells freeze over!"

Kesya blinks in surprise, and casts the Singer beside her an astonished 
  glance. "Well."

Tance shifts in his seat, bemusedly, then tells the computer, "Uh... yeah. 
  Prior access status is cancelled. Lemme... have my files."

The computer blips obediently, and suddenly the screen fills with a listing of 
  various filenames, all marked with dates of entry; some have short comments 
  listed next to the entry name. All of them appear to be at least a hundred 
  years old. Seeing them, Tance murmurs, "Wow..."

Kesya mutters something about snowball fights down under, and sits back in her 
  chair, avoiding the screen to give Tance a bit of privacy. "Wow?" Hey, she's 
  only ... well, Taal'en, she can't help but ask.

Tance stammers, "I... I guess I did make entries...."

Kesya asks softly, "Want me to stay? I can leave if you want some privacy to 
  read them..."

Tance starts to nod, then shake his head, then finally clarify, "'Sallright
  if you stay...." He hesitantly punches up the last of the entries, and the
  computer responds by playing another recording of Tance's voice. This one,
  however, is much shorter -- and his words are delivered in a voice that
  holds in its tone a pain like unadapted flesh scraped by raw crystal:
  "Meggie's gone..." And then it ends.
Tance abruptly flinches.

Kesya gasps softly, the horror in her expression at those words suddenly being 
  quashed as she steels herself to support you. "Oh Gods.. Tance..." She takes 
  your hand, as though it might break.

Tance fumbles for you, wrapping both arms around you and burying his face 
  against you. He is trembling, now, violently.

Kesya wraps her arms tightly about your shoulders, saying nothing for a long 
  while as she simply holds you, her own breath laboured from the shock of 
  that last entry. Tears roll down her cheeks unnoticed, but she just holds 
  you tighter still. "Tance, oh Tance, I'm so sorry..."

You feel crystal caressing you softly along your nerves.
Non-singers around you see: You notice that Tance becomes slightly distracted 
  at times.

It isn't difficult to feel wetness building where Tance has pressed his face 
  against you; he's weeping. Finally he gasps out, "Just... ah, hells, Jade, 
  I-I just... saw it. In my head..."

Kesya nods against you, her arms wrapping tighter around you as you speak. "I 
  know, I know.. I could see it in your face..."
Kesya turns her head, speaking into your ear. "But... that was the last one. I 
  mean, maybe... don't you want to see what she was like, remember her that 
  way? Call up an earlier record, I mean? You loved her so much... you must 
  have a lot of /happy/ records in there of the time you spent together."

If you listen hard, you can hear crystal resonance rushing dimly between your 
  ears.
Non-singers around you see: If you happen to be very close to Tance, the fine 
  hairs on your arms stand on end, but Tance doesn't appear to notice anything.

At the gentle suggestion, Tance slowly lifts his head, peering with a wary 
  gaze at the screen, as though afraid it'll startle him again. "A lot there," 
  he mumbles. "Not... sure I know where to start."

You sense crystal sliding softly along your nerves.
Non-singers around you see: A tingle makes the hairs on the back of your hand 
  rise up as Tance passes you.

Kesya draws the back of one hand across her eyes before she withdraws, 
  blinking away moisture before she too eyes the calmly lit screen. "Well," 
  she suggests, "There's little titles beside some of 'em. Maybe that'll help."
Kesya adds softly, "You /could/ start at the beginning, too. See what you 
  thought of the place when you first arrived."
Kesya smiles slightly, "Maybe... maybe it'd show how you /met/ Meguey."

Tance stares at the text before him, and whispers, "Jade... I'm.... not sure 
  I'm ready for this." He does page down to the very bottom of list of 
  entries, and he stares at the date on that, before looking up at you again, 
  brown eyes liquid. "That's... a long time ago, isn't it. That date."

Kesya's blue gaze focuses on the date on the screen. Her voice is a soft 
  murmur, "Yes, a long time ago."

Perhaps emboldened by the assurance in your tone, Tance glances at you again, 
  then blinks his own gaze free of wetness before punching up that entry. It 
  begins, then, in a version of Tance's voice that may well not have been 
  heard on Ballybran in over a century and a half; it is unroughened by pain 
  or care, a vibrant young tenor, much more relaxed of accent and perhaps even 
  cocky.
Kesya takes your hand quietly, listening.

	Hot karking _damn!_ I'm in! Not like I'd ever have let on to Garrin
	and Jass, but I did have a few doubts -- not _now_, though! I'm _in_!
	Down on Ballybran, now, and they've given us the beginning of one
	whopping pack of lectures. Weather. Mostly about weather. I for one
	can't _wait_ to ride a mach storm. Syrine thinks it has fantastic
	storms... from what I've heard about _this_ place, it's got Syrine
	stomped flat.

His eyes widening at the sound of his youthful self, Tance straightens a bit, 
  listening intently.

	They tell us we can't know beforehand if we'll turn into Singers, and
	say that just in case, we better start recording things now to save
	for when our memories go. Well, so, I'm recording....

Kesya can't help but smile at the enthusiastic voice, and she squeezes your 
  hand with a little wink. "You sure were excited."

The youthful tenor goes on a bit, describing in concise detail what has to be 
  a recruit's quarters up on A1. Tance grins lopsidedly at you, but his 
  expression is still wonder-struck.
The next stretch of words, though, makes Tance jerk his head up again:

	There's this girl in my class. Really aloof, dresses like she's rich.
	But... damned if I know why, but I keep looking at her. I think I'm
	torking her off, 'cause she keeps turning that pert little nose up in
	the air. <a wry chuckle> Bet she's crazy about me. <a pause> Well, it'd
	sure be _nice_...

Tance coughs, and blushes.

Kesya manages to stiffle giggles at that one, and she arches a brow at you 
  teasingly. "Too bad you didn't mention her name."

Tance starts to grin again, but his younger self continues his recitation with:

        Since they tell us we need to remember things.... well, what the hells.
        <His voice turns more solemn, strangely reverent.> Maybe you can hear
        me, Mother. I dunno. But I'm here. They got me here, just like you
        wanted. I'll always remember, and keep what you gave me.

Then, there is silence.

Tance blinks, then falls quiet, brow creased.

Kesya is silent as well, her left hand covering yours as she gazes at you.

"Can't remember the last time I thought about having... parents," Tance 
  breathes, at last.

Kesya smiles softly, one arm looping across your shoulders. "I wonder what she 
  was like," she says gently. "From what you just said in the file... she 
  sounded great."

Eyes liquid again, Tance looks up at you, wistfully replying, "Don't remember 
  her, Jade..."

When you stop to relax you can feel a pleasant humming in your body.
Non-singers around you see: A faint chill seems to pass over you as Tance 
  looks at you, but he doesn't seem to react to it.

Kesya curls her arms about you, leaning her head on your shoulder. "I know... 
  but we can find out about her, the same way we found your files. There's 
  lots of information here... we just need to dig it up." Her voice takes on 
  an encouraging tone, her head tucked beneath your chin. "It'll be sort of... 
  an adventure."

At the word 'adventure', and for a brief instant, a spark lights his dark 
  eyes; along with his slight lopsided grin, he might almost be the cocky 
  youngster in the journal entry just played. "Don't think I'll bore you to 
  tears?" he challenges.

Kesya laughs, buoyed by the tone in your voice. "Are you kidding?," she 
  insists teasingly, hands sliding off your back just enough to tickle 
  mischievously at your ribs, "You can't stop me... I'm almost as curious as 
  you are, now!"

[End log.]