Log Date: 11/26/96 Log Cast: Azeure, Ktai, Ekuar Log Cast: Ktai continues to fret over her 'failure' to properly support Rayek, and as she does, Rayek, in the meantime, seems to be undergoing some kind of change within himself. As he slips off for purposes of his own out of his chamber, Ktai dozes, watched over by Ekuar, and soon joined by Azeure, who lingers in the Palace despite having not fulfilled his orders from Winnowill.... [NOTE: This log was contributed by Ktai.] ---------- Out in the corridor, Azeure has arrived. Out in the corridor, Azeure has left. Azeure has arrived. Azeure arches into the chamber, some dried strips of meat in an opened pouch rests in his palm, he stops when he sees Ekuar, his eyes drifting to Ktai. Ktai sleeps seemingly soundly Azeure smiles a bit, placing the food next to the bed, also leaving a flask of water. Ekuar looks up from where he sits half-dozing next to the furs, and blinks hazily. He smiles. Azeure casts a soft smile at Ekuar, nodding. Ekuar's gaunt hand settles on the nearest edge of the furs, plucking gently at the soft surface. His eyes are grave as he watches Azeure. Ktai stirs slightly, but doesn't move or wake. Azeure arches a brow at the long expression. Ekuar's expression softens, sympathy in his eyes, and he nods. Azeure closes his eyes and nods faintly. Ktai sits up now, not fully awake, indeed, not even half awake. Her sleep-tinged send casts about for Rayek. When she does not hear his returned send, she wakes more. Azeure smiles softly, placing his hands lightly on Ktai's shoulders ** Shh sister.. rest now..he is well.. ** Azeure sends openly ** I looked in on him only moments ago.. ** Ekuar's aged brow wrinkles in renewed worry and perplexity, and he regards Azeure gently. At Ktai's movement, he is distracted, and reaches at once to pat lightly at her shoulder with his gnarled hand. "Eh, easy, easy. Old-- em-- Ekuar's here, little one. And Azeure. Both here to look after you." Ktai pulls back to herself, blushing hotly. Azeure's smile turns gentle and warm ** Easy now.. rest ** Ktai's send is faint, and self-incriminating. ** I failed. ** Azeure shakes his head ** Hardly.. now rest.. Rayek will be just fine. ** Ekuar brushes one thin, pale finger along Ktai's elegant jawline, gentle and warm. His eyes crinkle at the corners with soft, sympathetic humor. "You and Brownskin. Two of a kind. How many times have I-- eh-- heard him talk like that? So hard on yourselves, the pair of you." Ktai looks down now, her eyes unable to meet those of one who quite possibly speaks the truth. No. Rather blame it on herself, for she has failed in her efforts. Azeure sighs softly now, taking her hand in his ** Listen to Ekuar.. his knowledge and love is far deeper than I can know.. you've failed no one sister.. now rest.. I'll keep tabs on Rayek.. as I'm certain Ekuar will.. ** Ktai's send is quiet. ** I've slept. ** Azeure nods ** Aye.. but are you rested? ** Ktai sighs softly, then nods. ** Yes. ** She sounds less than enthused about it Ekuar glances at Azeure, and nods, before looking back to Ktai. "Oh! Indeed. It's my life's work, and my life's joy, to look after Brownskin." A slight pause. "Pretty Glider... tell me. You say you've failed. But what has happened, hm, while you slept? What harm befell our Brownskin?" Ktai looks to Ekuar sadly. ** I do not know what has happened. That is where I fail. ** Azeure shakes his head ** You've missed nothing Ktai dearheart.. ** Ktai continues. ** The last time I slept, Sar had him poisoned. ** Azeure sends openly ** I assure you.. he's well.. if not at least back to his usual decorum.. ** Ekuar's hand lifts to Ktai's thin shoulder, and squeezes. "But not this time. Eh, no. You can't imagine that Brownskin wants you to try and live without sleep, like some sort of stone image, eh?" Azeure nods in agreement with Ekuar, seeming lost to a thought all of a sudden. Ktai sends openly ** How I tried... ** Ekuar's thumb strokes reassuringly across Ktai's shoulder, his hand a comforting weight there. "I know. But you mustn't, my dear. Mustn't try to make yourself less alive. Make yourself into something stone, something cold. Brownskin needs -you-, yourself, eh? A living elf, who sleeps, and eats, and is warm to hold." Azeure smiles ** And one who isn't too tired to love him back when he needs you.. ** Ktai shakes her head. ** He doesn't tell me what he needs... ** Azeure sends openly ** Have you asked? ** Ktai looks to Azeure. Her eyes register shock, and a tinge of fear. ** No... ** Azeure nods once ** Well then.. ** Ekuar cocks his head, and gives a satisfied nod. "There you are. I know I'm-- eh-- safe in saying that he -doesn't- need you to give up all sleep forever, to try and be a wall for him. He'd never want you to try and do that, and he'd never want you to blame yourself when it turns out to be impossible." Ktai just stares at Azeure. Is he suggesting that she ask Rayek something? She? He? It's frightening. Azeure raises a brow, watching Ktai. Ktai swallows. ** I... couldn't ask. I wouldn't know how... ** Ekuar patpatpats Ktai's shoulder, very softly. "Brownskin's just an elf, my dear. Like you, like me. You can put it in simple words... He understands more than you think." Ktai shakes her head. ** I don't know what to ask... ** Azeure nods to Ekuar, for he certainly says it far better than he could.. Ekuar gives a slight shrug of thin shoulders. "You can just tell him what's in your heart. Perhaps tell him how you tried to protect him... and, I would hope, how you realize now that you mustn't try to be perfect. Ask him how you can best help him." He peers closely at Ktai. "Would you like me to try and help, my dear? Ask him for you, perhaps?" Ktai bites her lip. Which is worse? Asking... or having someone else ask? She shakes her head, trying to clear it. ** I... ** Azeure smiles softly and rises ** Rest on it Ktai.. I'm sure you will make the right choices ** Azeure nods to you both ** I'll just be outside.. I'm in need of a bit of rest myself.. ** Ekuar sends now, low and soft and soothing. ** Easy, child. It's all right. No need to fear Brownskin. You mustn't be so frightened of him... he's your friend. ** Ekuar looks at Azeure, with a smile. Ktai looks away sadly. ** Sometimes... I wish he were more. ** Ekuar looks back to Ktai, watching her averted face. ** I know, ** he answers simply. ** My dear, I know. Can you tell me... what would you like? In your daydreams, perhaps, what do you imagine you'd like from Brownskin? ** Azeure pauses at the door, waiting on this response. Ktai looks to Ekuar, her eyes rippling with many emotions. ** Whatever he is willing to give. ** Ekuar nods once. ** And how will you know what he is willing to give, unless you ask him? For he can give, you know. He does know how. ** Azeure smiles quietly from the doorway. Ktai sends openly ** I... cannot bear the thought of him turning me away... so I make myself happy with what is offered... ** Ekuar's eyes are lambent with sympathetic understanding. ** Perhaps that's where old Ekuar might help. I might ask him what he could give you, hm? For he might have the same fears, fears of being turned away, and so he will not offer too much. ** He chuckles, kindly. ** You must admit, the two of you are alike in many ways... why not this way as well? ** She hadn't thought of that. Something alights in her eyes, and she smiles faintly. ** Yes... why not...? ** Azeure chuckles softly and ducks out ** Indeed.. Ekuar you are wise.. ** Azeure steps out into the corridor. Ekuar casts a fond grin after the departing Azeure, then looks back to Ktai, reaching to brush aside a loose wisp of her hair. ** Good. Be easy, child. Let old Ekuar talk to his boy, and see where we stand. ** Ktai sighs softly. ** I love him, Ekuar. No matter what happens. I can't explain it, nor will I try. I never thought to love again, but I do. I'd give Winnowill my soul if I thought it would keep him safe. ** Ekuar sends, his thoughts deep with understanding, ** Aye, my dear. And it's all right to love him. You don't need to wonder why... it's enough to know how you feel. Just... remember that hurting yourself doesn't automatically help him. Do you see? You must know that it's all right to love him as yourself, as the maiden you are, with all your own needs. ** Ktai sends openly ** I... am so used to giving... until I break... it's what I had to do ** Ekuar sends openly ** I know how that can be... to be so familiar with a situation, with being crushed underfoot, that it's all you know and all you seek. But realize, child, that this can change. You can breathe for yourself, live for yourself, and it's all right. We don't want you to give until you break... -he- doesn't want it. ** Ktai sighs softly. ** I don't know what to do. I loved once... and he was taken from me... ** It seems that her cold facade has dropped, and she is willing to speak of herself... and her past. Ekuar is open, in face and send, gently accepting. ** Can you tell me? Tell me what happened? ** Ktai sends quietly. ** I had two daughters once. Daia... the oldest, vanished. Winnowill refused to try to send for her... and I blamed the lack of finding my daughter on Winnowill. My other daughter... raised to fight Winnowill, now serves her. You may know her. She was once Kaia, now known as Eveshka. ** Ktai sighs as she sends, eyes closing to allow a single tear to fall. Ekuar draws a breath, considering this. ** My poor child. Loving and losing, like having pieces of yourself torn away. ** Ktai sighs. ** My mate... Valdir.... was a healer. He died when we were thrown out of the Mountain. Eveshka was taken from me... and a wolf claimed Valdir's life. I never felt his soul again. ** Ekuar asks quietly, ** And have you never loved, since Valdir... until now? ** Ktai sends openly ** Never. ** Ekuar gives a thoughtful nod. ** With love... deep love... comes risk. Love is an opening of the self, an offering. And if the gift is refused-- or if the gift is accepted, but then the loved one is lost, and the gift with them... well. There's a pain that goes to the very core. I do understand, my dear child. So long you've kept yourself as safe as you could, walled off, inside. So long you've hidden... and now you can't quite hide anymore, and it's frightening to think of risking again. ** Ktai nods, silently. Ekuar watches you with eyes gone softly bright. ** Would it surprise you if I told you I thought you were very brave? ** Ktai turns shocked eyes to you. ** Brave? ** Ekuar sends wordless assent, truthful in its simplicity. He continues: ** Not many would recover from such a rending. Not many would be willing to try, to even think of risking again. So it surprises you so much, that I see your bravery? ** Ktai pales. ** I'm not brave. ** Ekuar leans a little bit forward, and his send is firm, paternal, matter-of-fact. ** You are. You may not think it, but it's true nonetheless. ** Ktai shakes her head. ** No... I'm not. ** Ekuar smiles... an old, wise, knowing smile. ** You know much of Winnowill, ** he sends, seemingly irrelevantly. ** So you know many of the names she has acquired over the years, the names her followers and her enemies have given her? ** Ktai shrugs slightly. ** So many that I haven't bothered to count them, much less learn them all. ** ** The best policy, ** Ekuar agrees. ** I myself, sometimes I can't remember my own name... but I do remember some of hers. And there's one used by enemy and sometimes friend, a name that strikes closer to her core perhaps than any of the rest. It shows us what may be her greatest weakness, even when she tries to claim it as her greatest strength. Do you know which of her names this is? ** Ktai shakes her head. ** I have only ever called her Winnowill, for that is her name. ** Ekuar nods. ** Aye, that it is... but she is also named other things, deeper things. Not as simple as Black Snake, although that is one of her names, one of her guises. The name I'm talking of is one that the dear Mother of Memory in the Sun Village has given her: Loveless One. That is the truth of Winnowill. She is the Loveless One, and she clings to that as if there were strength within it... But there isn't. Love, and those who gift each other with it, those who take those risks to love and be loved... that is what defeats her. ** Ktai sighs faintly. ** Teach that to Azeure... for he has taken to her bed like a moth to a flame. ** ** I doubt he would be able to listen to me, ** the ancient shaper admits, somewhat sadly. ** He might feel what he thinks is love. He might even fancy he feels answering love within her. But he does not. She does not take the risk. She is too much of a coward to risk herself so. ** A rueful smile. ** Of course, giving and taking pleasure... sharing of bodies in the furs... that needn't have love in it to still have meaning and joy. ** Ktai sends openly ** But why look for meaning and joy in one so... twisted by evil? ** Ekuar sends openly ** I'd wager there are many reasons... Winnowill promises the deepest of pleasures, and she knows how to produce them. Those who feel for her possibly dream of reaching a good core deep within, helping her, cleansing her with the power of their love. Many reasons beyond these as well. I think you know, as I do, that pleasure, joy, even love do not always follow a rational path. ** Ktai sighs softly. ** I know. ** ** But this is why I say that you are brave, my dear. And I'll go on saying it, and believing it, no matter what you say. Winnowill, for all her dark wiles, cannot bring herself to risk love... While you, who have been hurt so for love, are willing to open yourself again. This is true bravery. ** Ekuar smiles, his eyes twinkling. ** Perhaps you'd humor an old, old elf, and let him think you're brave if he wants to. Hm? ** Ktai blushes deeply. ** Who am I to counter you? ** Then, thoughtfully, ** How old are you, Ekuar? ** Ekuar gives a bright, merry laugh. ** If I could only remember how to count that high! ** he exclaims. ** Oh, child. Old, old, old I am. Born of Firstcomers, so I nearly began when our race's time on this world began. Spent countless time, from childhood, at labor underground... where I became the fellow I am today. ** He gives a good-natured tap to his wooden-leg. ** I daresay there aren't many older... but the numbers escape me. Even my name escapes me, at times, so I suppose you're not surprised! ** Ktai smiles faintly. ** Then you, unlike most, have many years ahead of me... ** Ekuar bobs his hairless head amiably. ** Indeed. Sometimes there are those who don't wish me to call them 'child,' as is often my habit... But I have to tell them, you're all youthful to me. Sweet and lovely, brimming with life. ** His eyes twinkle. ** Pleasant to be around you. Even when you feel old and tired, my dear, I can see the youth within your pretty eyes. ** Ktai blushes softly. ** I have known some six-thousand turns... mostly outside the place known as Blue Mountain... and all of those outside years, until now, alone. ** Ekuar lightly touches the back of your hand, his own cool and comforting. ** That's a long time, ** he agrees. ** But now you're no longer alone... and you should know that you need never be alone again. ** Ktai smiles softly. ** It's so hard, Ekuar. I love him desperately... but I have no idea... what he's like... what he likes... or anything... ** She looks lost. Ekuar nods thoughtfully. ** He's not always easy to understand. It can take time to get to know him. But you can take that time, you can learn about him. And let him learn about you. Eh? ** Ktai nods slowly. ** I have told him so little... ** Ekuar prompts, quietly, ** He'd listen to your tales... he'd appreciate the chance to know you better. ** Ktai looks to you. ** Are you certain? I would not bore him? ** Ekuar shakes his head decisively. ** Oh! My dear. He's your friend, whatever else he is, and friends know how to listen to one another. Does he bore you? ** Ktai sends openly ** Never, Ekuar... ** ** Then have a bit of faith in him, to think well of you in return, to listen to you in return. Eh! I've prattled on at him for these turns on turns now, and he's never yet tried to stop my mouth. ** He grins. Ktai laughs softly. ** But he cares for you... that's obvious. ** Ekuar gives a relaxed shrug. ** He's the center of my life, ** he sends, openly tender. ** Dearest friend, dearest son. He saved me from the pit, brought me to life... and I love him to the ends of Daystar and Moons. ** Ktai sends openly ** I wish I could say the same... ** Ekuar smiles understandingly. ** At the very least, he's your friend. He does care. Like you, he's loved and lost... and so he protects himself... but he cares. I'm certain he takes pleasure in closeness with you. ** Ktai smiles faintly. ** And I shall make myself happy with that. ** Ekuar blinks at you, frankly. ** You know, my dear, you could easily make yourself happier. Both of you. ** Ktai looks to you blankly. ** How? ** Ekuar runs his pale hand across the soft surface of the bedfurs. ** Share with each other, ** he replies simply. ** Share bodies and pleasure. Comfort, warmth, caring and joy... it's all to be found in these bodies of ours, eh? ** Ktai blinks. ** I would... if he'd but ask. ** Ekuar looks puzzled. ** You won't ask him? ** Ktai blushes deeply. ** I... would die first... ** Ekuar is very obviously taken aback. ** But child! Why? ** Ktai blushes on. ** I cannot press myself on him... ** Ekuar grips the fur in his slender, maimed hand. ** Oh, my dear. It would be an offering, an invitation... not 'pressing' yourself on him. ** He smiles. ** But if it's difficult for you, old Ekuar will help. Leave it to me, hm? Nothing to fear. ** Ktai nods silently. Ekuar peers gently into your eyes a moment. ** Will you trust me? I have your best interests at heart, truly. ** Ktai takes a deep breath, then nods. Ekuar smiles gratefully. ** I'm glad. Thank you for your trust. I'll do my best. ** Ktai smiles softly... ** Thank you... ** [End log.]