Date: Thu, 8 Jun 95 09:56:07 PDT Subject: FW: PROSE: From Kevlan's Datapad Archive-Name: kev-journal.txt ---------- Datapad Entry #101 Personal Journal, Kevlan Sharr Transcribed from voice entry, date XX.XX.XX I-I ain't writ in my journal for a long time. Never been able to write too good, I know. But I been packing stuff to get ready to go home, and I saw my datapad, and anyhow the Psychology folks, Nathan and all, they seem to think it might help me to record what I'm thinking about. They told me to get the computer to record while I just talk. That's kind of easier than writing. [Pause] I wish I knew what to talk about though. M-my head's still kind of all messed up and I gotta concentrate real hard to get a thought straight. Gives me a headache. I hate being like this. But I been really lucky because this is better than bawling like a baby all the time. I'm really lucky I got Berni, and Tamber, and Jerrik and Pa looking out for me. Rykos too, even though he's half the time worse off than me. I guess... it's because I'm still kinda messed up inside that everybody thinks I should go home. Pa's real happy I'm coming home. I'm awful happy he come to see me, too. Even though I'm afraid I was bawling and everything in front of him... He looks different than I remember. He got more grey in his hair and he don't seem quite so tall anymore. I-I mean, all his holos looked different when my sight changed, when I become a Singer, but seeing him for real makes him look, well, he looks awful old. [Pause] That's weird. I ain't gonna look like that for a long long time. Folks gotta be as old as dirt on Ballybran before they get to looking it. Should I tell Pa about that? I-I bet the Guildmaster'd get awful mad if I did. Makes me fret, though. Shouldn't keep secrets from Pa. And I can't hide from my kin thirty years from now, or fifty, or a hundred... but they're gonna go, "Ain't that weird, Kevlan don't look no different." Maybe they'll think I gone fey? [Pause] Oh Lady. I ain't thought on that for a while, that's for sure. I guess keeping secrets for the Guild ain't much different than not talking about fey folks. I-I should tell Berni about that. Maybe when we get home. Man can't keep secrets from his wife neither. S-she ain't my wife yet, but still... [Pause] Aw heck. I-I-I done lost track... oh right... I hope I'm doing the right thing, going home and all. I just... ain't ready to... well, I got all scared when Lhovrik and Telandra come to the claim. And Lhovrik was... just like he was out on a picnic or something, and Telandra come marching right up to the crystal just like she owned it, and when she started singing... [Pause] Oh Lady... did I just thrall? I could hear... no. Chrono ain't run on without me. Anyhow. I-I guess I still ain't got what happened at that claim all worked out yet. It was real nice of Rykos to bring me and Berni our cutters, but I kinda wish he hadn'ta on account of it made him so sad, what happened afterwards. I hope I told him the right thing. I don't hold it against him. Couldn'ta done, not when I had that dream in my head, and the sun was on the crystal - then... I-I-I ain't sure how I feel about Rykos joining with me and Berni. Ain't like we coulda done anything about it, with the crystal singing, but the way Rykos got all scared again... I-I was afraid he was gonna go back in the dark... [Pause] I-I-I-I don't wanna talk about that right now... Maybe later... [Pause] He seems better now. He come to see me, says he was stranded out in the Ranges but a gal named Eve found him. Says he loves her, but he loves Telandra too. He's all riled up about that. They don't teach folks where he come from that it ain't bad to love two gals. I-I-I told him, do what he thinks is right, I hope he gets it all worked out. I kinda feel bad about going away from him. Man acts like he could really use a friend. Even though... I feel like when I see him, he's a brother I never knew I had. 'Cept a man don't join with his brothers. Heck, I didn't think I did men 'tall, like Tamber does, 'cept I guess the crystal'll make a man needful and it don't pay no nevermind to who all's around and what parts the Lady give 'em. I ain't even sure I should talk to him. Heck, I-I-I ain't sure about all kinds of things. There's Rykos, and then there's Andros... he's Berni's brother. Ain't even met him yet, but he come to see Berni 'bout the same time Pa come to see me. He been staying up on Shankill, and what's weird is that he seems to be letting this Raven gal beat on him. I don't reckon I understand it. But it's done got Berni in a tizzy and she don't wanna talk about it. Guess it's for the best that we're going away, since I don't reckon I could talk all that good to Andros anyhow. I just hope we get back before Berni has to cut again. I couldn't bear it if she got sick for needing crystal again. I better stop here and get my packing done. [End recording.]